tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 11, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PST
(cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the late show." i'm mister colbert, but i'm a cool host, so you kids can call me stephen. and i hope you're all sitting down because j.k. rowling has announced that there will be a new harry potter book... ish. it's not a book. it's the script of the upcoming play, "harry potter and the cursed child." and i know what you're thinking, but it's not about harry's friendship with mccaulay culkin. the play actually takes place 19 years after the last book, and features a thirty-something harry balancing his job at the ministry of magic with being a father. that just sounds depressing.
about that whole world, but harry potter's life peaked when he was 17. captain of the quidditch team, big "chosen one" on campus. who are his enemies even going to be? phil from accounting? slowing metabolism? a vague restless feeling when he you might as well call it "harry potter and the sorcerer's prostate." and this goes for all beloved childhood stories. i can't take reading about a grown-up holden caulfield assistant-managing a costco. i don't want to read about the narnia kids' unfulfilling marriages. "i used to be a king, brenda! a king!" and no one, wants to see "are you there, god? it's me, margaret" go through menopause. but one thing i do want you to imagine is tonight's show
(cheers and applause) that transition was almost too smooth. (laughter) first, i'll be talking with emmy-award winning actor kelsey grammer. (cheers and applause) he's starring in broadway's "finding neverland " as captain the only way to stop him? doorknobs. (laughter) >> he can't get to the door! tried to get it, can't get it. >> stephen: also crocodiles. then, from "portlandia," i'll be talking to fred armisen. (cheers and applause) little known fact: the script of every episode of "portlandia" is hand-scrimshawed onto a vintage bowling pin. then i'll be talking to the cover model for the first issue of playboy magazine without
(cheers and applause) tonight, i'll follow her lead and do the whole show with my pants on. and we'll hear music from ty segall and the muggers. (cheers and applause) that right there is the sultry sound of jon batiste and stay human. greet them! (cheers and applause) they're about to kick out the jams, but before they do, one more thing: a report by the guardian found that removing the facebook app from your iphone can save up to 15% of battery life. and removing yourself from facebook can save up to 100% of your actual life.
stephen welcomes kelsey grammer! fred armisen! mcdaniel! and a musical performance by ty tysegall and the muggers! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) back at cha! thanks, everybody! can we show the dome to
we've got little hearts on the dome tonight. isn't that beautiful? that is just a little friendly reminder to everybody out there who may not have marked it on your calendar that sunday is valentine's day. sometimes you forget, but it's a big day, no matter what your romantic status is, single or spinster who gazes out longingly from the top of her lighthouse. i don't always know what to do on valentine's day, because i'm happily married. and this year, my wife and i are actually spending the day apart. i didn't know what to get her, she's with her family, i'm going vermont. i didn't know what to get her, top of my show. happy valentine's, honey. and, in return, my wife has given me something to talk about for the last minute.
keeping it low key as a married couple is kind of cool. you know, we don't need a big thing on valentine's day. the ring and the wedding were the ultimate valentine. we don't have anything to prove. we know we love each other, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: if you get a really great valentine from somebody you're married to, it's like, what's wrong? (laughter) it's like how my producer paul dinello and i have known each other twenty years, so we don't shake hands. we've known each other 28 years. i was testing you. one of us cares more than the other. we don't shake hands, right, paul? >> never. >> stephen: it was your idea.
>> it's too formal. it would be weird, like me exchanging business cards with my mom. >> stephen: like inviting your mom to join you on linkedin. >> i want to network with you, mom! >> stephen: what are you doing on valentine's day? >> mostly traveling. we're going to do to disney. >> stephen: you're taking the trucksster down to wally world? >> i am. >> stephen: are you going to be getting anything for your wife? >> no, i -- >> stephen: you're recently married. i have been married almost 25 years. how long have you been married? >> four years. >> stephen: two children, nice grouping. you definitely should get your wife something or you're in trouble.
time. >> stephen: why don't you have enough time? >> i mean, because i'm -- um -- here. >> stephen: just run to the drugstore and buy the first two things you see that could be considered gifts. >> like a box of chocolates and a jug of tide? >> stephen: she'll love it. as long as you include the right valentine's day card. it seals the deal. >> senator. >> stephen: yeah. in fact, the reason paul is out here, do you have the card? >> yes. >> stephen: there are so many great valentines cards out there. but they didn't start out that way, as we'll learn in my new segment: "first drafts!" >> no, no! stupid! stupid! >> stephen: as always, first drafts is brought to you by the good folks at wite out. "wite out: does that stuff even exist anymore?"
>> here you go. >> stephen: okay, let's take a look at the first drafts of some of america's top valentines. this card has a butterfly and says "you make my heart flutter." very sweet, but the first draft said: "let's be friends until you change into something prettier." (laughter) it's honest. >> it's honest. >> stephen: so i like this one. this one has a picture of a little owl with the caption: "you're a hoot." >> yeah. sweet, for a funny girl. >> stephen: but the first draft said -- "you're an owl." not positive or negative, it is just what it is. >> you're not going to get her anything? >> well now i have to!
"star wars" fan, here's one with r2-d2 and c-3po that says "you r2 good to me." but the first draft said: "will you c-3p-go out with me even though i live in my parents' basement and cosplay as a wookie?" i have a question about both of these cards, actually. this implies that cp3o and cosplay are romantic. >> they do hang out with each other. >> stephen: r2d2 looks like a marital aid. (laughter) here's one with sheep that reads. "i love ewe". but it the first draft actually.
out of your body hair." (laughter) i like this. >> this would be so much more difficult. >> stephen: it would look junky if they were there. everyone would go, what's in the pile? okay. this one's cute. it has a little slice of pizza and says: "you stole a pizza my heart." the first draft said, "i'm mozza-really pepper-lonely!" kind of sad, actually. and finally, here's one with a train that says "all aboard my heart." all right? but the first draft said: "i'm steamin' toward your tunnel. how do you feel about caboose
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praised as one of america's best mayors who governed as a pragmatist. a practical and successful legislator, bernie sanders passed more roll-call amendments in a republican congress than any other member, primary care access for millions of americans, protected social security, cracked the gridlock with john
mccain to strengthen veterans' healthcare. bernie sanders --
building a future to believe in. i'm bernie sanders, and i approve this message. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.
for over 20 years, my first guest played one of television's most endearing characters, dr. frasier craine. now you can see him in a limited engagement on broadway in the musical "finding neverland". >> stephen: please welcome kelsey grammer.
there is the play bill right there, "finding neverland." you play hook himself, another high-status character. >> recognizable. >> stephen: but also he's the captain. >> he is the captain. in this case, he's actually the alter ego of james barry who's having writer's block and he says you can either fight and write the story you want to write or you can just disappear. so he's really sort of the artist's consciousness in this play. >> stephen: you think actors themselves are a peter pan in a >> oh, yeah, sure. >> stephen: performers don't want to grow up. up.
child, like, way of going about the work. it has to be on an innocent level to do it well. >> stephen: how long will you be playing captain hook? >> i'm finished sunday and come back mid march two more weeks. >> stephen: have you always been a singer? >> as a kid, a guy came to school and said i want all the boys in the class to come out for choir. all the boys said no way, and we did it anyway. my junior year, i finally did a play. and i thought, oh, i can -- >> stephen: do you remember what your first play was? >> yeah, "little foxes." >> stephen: were you bit right away. >> yeah. >> stephen: "my sister eileen" is what we did first. >> how did you do the jon stewart show? >> stephen: i worked for "the daily show" before. i didn't have a job. my agent said would you like to
i said, not particularly. i said, i have two kids. i went over and turned out, i loved it. did you ever take a job and think, i'm not going to like this? >> stephen: did you wait tables for a long time? >> on 57th street and 6th 6th avenue for a long time. >> stephen: could you get into that and handle it? >> i was good at it. i could work three days a week and make more money than i could when i was about 45. >> stephen: as a young starting actor, i would -- if they hadn't touched, like, one of the filets -- >> oh, no, you eat. >> stephen: you definitely eat it. >> yeah. >> stephen: you eat the bread -- >> if there's a bed or a park, you take the bed. if it's a nice steak and they didn't eat all of it -- >> stephen: probably weren't supposed to, right? but the management is allowed to do that. >> yeah.
from our management. >> my first job when i was a kid was a dishwasher at dennys. i lied about my age, i admit it. i was 14 and was supposed to be 15 to get a special permit to work. >> stephen: denny's is very, very strict. (laughter) >> what was happening was i was working the graveyard shift 11:00 to 8:00 in morning. they told me i could eat all the hot fudge sundays i wanted. so, great, it's, like, my favorite food. this manager comes to me, i'm booking it maybe a month and a half and he says, we're missing filets. i said, you think i'm taking the filets? i got indignant for a 14-year-old. he said, did you take them? i said, no, i'm eating the hot fudge sundays. i love those. he looked at me and said, how old are you? i said, all right, i'm 14.
he said, i've got to let you go. >> stephen: i love the idea of kelsey grammer just hawking down hot fudge because i think of you as a very rareyfied pallet. is there a really low-rent thing you enjoy? what do you snack on? >> well, it's a little odd. i guess things have changed a bit. my favorite snack is caviar. (applause) >> stephen: you realize there right now (laughter) half a potato. >> unsalted potato chips, a squeeze of lemon, that's it. the poor man's version. >> stephen: you're just joe
>> i am. >> stephen: you have the courage of your convictions. you're conservative in hollywood and on broadway. some conservatives say, oh, i've got a cold shoulder. is it a real thing? >> honestly, if you're good at what you do, that's not going to exist. i've had pretty reasonable success with my career. i think there is a predilection towards, you know, dismissing someone who doesn't think the way you do. that's common ground, i guess, for a lot of people. but, no, i haven't been shunned in any way. especially on broadway. and the broadway community really kind of seems past all that. tolerance does exist on >> stephen: is there anybody in the republican race you like? dropped out. >> i honestly like ben carson. >> stephen: you like him? yeah.
breath. >> he's the only guy who isn't really part of the deal. >> stephen: would you vote for bernie? >> probably not. i might sit that one out. >> stephen: have you thought of getting in there yourself? >> i've toyed with it. (laughter) >> stephen: a thoughtful person would be very welcomed. >> it's something i've toyed with in the past. i think you have to either be an actor or a politician and somewhere in the middle doesn't work. >> reagan made the turn. he did make the turn, though, that's the thing. >> stephen: yeah. he actually head of the sag union for eight years and then became governor and then president. so his commitment to politics was pretty much written in stone by then. >> stephen: kelsey, thanks so much for being here. >> you bet, man. >> stephen: nice meeting you. pleasure. >> stephen: "finding neverland" the musical
lunt-fontanne theater. kelsey grammer everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap.while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me.
>> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is a versatile comedian and actor who stars in "portlandia". >> you're so beautiful. i am so beautiful. now tell the world. stop thinking. just paint. get the grapes. get the grapes. >> okay. painting grapes. >> you're an artist! look at the canvas! now look at me! both at the same time! get the grapes!
with yourself. look at it, you're michelangelo. >> i'm painting, painting. don't forget the grapes! >> stephen: please welcome fred armisen. (cheers and applause) >> you have a great singing voice. >> thanks very much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i know you're a drummer. do you sing? >> i don't think i'm really much of a singer. i like to sing but i'm mostly a drummer. >> stephen: you have a punk band. there you are. is this you in high school? >> yeah, i was a teenager. that was a clash shirt i was wearing and i was in a punk band called the k.g.b. >> stephen: what year are we talking?
>> stephen: that's perfect for '84. >> yeah. >> stephen: how did you make the transition to comedy. >> i made a video in 1998 after south by southwest, i played a german guy and deaf person and that tape just made the rounds. more people came out for that than they ever did my band. so it was a very quick -- it was very evident to me that that's what i should be doing. >> stephen: i have an odd question for you. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a desktop picture on my computer for many years is this right here. and that's me and my daughter and two sons skating at the ice rink blind the rose planetarium here in new york. there is a guy here. for years i've always imagined that that's you because if you blow up and go in really
dwroid ever go skating there? >> i just like to watch over you guys to make sure you're playing it safe. i don't want you to fall when you skate. >> stephen: literally, this was on my desk. i said, i think that's fred. >> funny, the one before it, that's the way my legs are. i am a little pigeon-toed. it's similar. look at that. >> wow. maybe it was me. i might have been staring at you for years. >> stephen: that's my old apartment, too. >> this whole thing? very nice. >> stephen: do people in portland like "portlandia"? do they ever get offended at your portrayal of life in portland. >> i don't think many people have cable or tv. so much i get, well, i don't have a television. (laughter) but they're really nice there.
>> stephen: do you actually like it there. >> i love it there. >> stephen: what's your favorite thing about it? >> i like it that it's cloudy. there are so many bikes you feel like you're in a little european town. i like wearing a jacket. just something about it. you know that feeling? >> stephen: what do you mean, like -- >> like a jacket. >> stephen: like a north face sort of thing? >> like an in between, like a fall jacket. you know what i mean? >> stephen: is it always fall there in portland? >> it's always kind of -- well, when it's rainy, just like that feeling. maybe i'm alone in feeling this, but when you put on a jacket and you feel like this... chicago's not like that. chicago's more like this. this is more like -- >> stephen: chicago is, like, please let me make it to the corner.
thing i do anymore if you just please let me get to the corner. >> were you there in '96? >> stephen: yes. the winter was so incredible. i've always thought chicago was founded by lasalle or whoever that person was, got there in late april and said, this is lovely, burn the wagons. and october 4th, they're, like, where are the wagons? >> it's intense. >> stephen: fred, i need your help. can you stick around? >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more fred armisen. (cheers and applause)) i'll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music's drums intensify) but days like this, i'll never forget. get out there, in the 2016 ford escape.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back,
everybody. we're here with fred armisen. fred, thanks so much. i'm glad you're here because i need your help with something. last december, as we do every year, we did our "late show" gift guide, and we recommended some very useful, very highly-specific stuff for people to buy if they hadn't gotten a gift idea for their loved ones. here's a little taste. >> okay. make your old man's day special by fog hat. they created a boogie rock
outlaws available on c.d. and l.p., a holiday must have. the little ones are clamoring for the newest toy so why not give a gift that will endure, fog hats fool for the city? >> stephen: you might have noticed there was a theme to some of those gifts. >> awesome gifts? >> stephen: that's true, but also fog hat gifts. this was a true story, roger earl of fog hat, the founder of the boogie rock sound, saw that while he was in the hospital and sent us this photo. that's him in the hospital, replacement. drummers? >> all the time. >> stephen: all the time. you're on your third or fourth set of hands at this point. >> yes. >> stephen: he was so touched, he actually sent us gifts from fog hat. it's absolutely true. we've got drumsticks, you might like that.
we've got fog hat c.d.s and great hats right here. (laughter) most exciting of all, and again this is absolutely true -- drum roll, please -- he sent us bottles of official fog hat wine from fog hat cellulars. jason, please! ladies and gentlemen... this is jason here one of our editors but also has good wine. according to the letter that they sent along, phot hat roger earl has been in the wine business almost a decade. would you like to help me review these actual fine wines? >> does fog hat have eight gold records? >> stephen: i have no idea, but... let's review the wines from fog
all right! let's start with the fog hat cellulars 2012 cabernet sauvignon. here we go. take it easy slow ride let's take it easy >> stephen: okay. it's got a velvety texture. i've got a good nose and i detect notes of spiced vanilla. >> kind of like a guitar solo, complex but well-balanced. i think i would pair it with a foot-long chili dog. >> stephen: good choice. this is the best cabernet sowfennion produced by fog hat
moving along. what's up next, jason? >> this is fog hat cellulars santa maria valley 2010. >> this one, i think this one unfolds nicely on the pallet. you can taste the history from the drumstick roger earl used to stir the mash to fermentation. >> i'd say this is the perfect wine to slug from the bottle after screening "thank you cleveland." (laughter) >> this is definitely the pest best
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>> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the cover model for the first-ever non-nude issue of "playboy." please welcome sarah mcdaniel! >> stephen: congratulations. thank you! >> stephen: now, let me tell the people what we're talking about. it was announced earlier this year that "playboy," which has always had naked women in it -- >> yes. >> stephen: will no longer have nakedwomen. >> yes, big stuff. >> stephen: it is pretty big
less than they used to, they're leaving us wanting more and you are the first thing they're leaving us wanting. this is a shot here, you on the cover of new "playboy." it's very simple, "playboy" and down here it just says, "heyyyy." you're an instagram star. >> yes. >> stephen: you have hundreds of thousands of followers on instagram and that's how this game to you? >> yes. well i i knew a photographer before and he kind of pushed me into that. >> stephen: how did that happen? this is "playboy" calling -- is your family thrilled by this? >> my dad was the first one to say you better do this because it's historical, i mean, they're cay changing everything and i think it's going to be something to remember whether they become successful.
stands. >> yes. >> stephen: used to be in a plastic wrapper, couldn't sell it at wal-mart and this is the last issue and she's wearing a inside. this is very demure by comparison. now people actually can read it for the articles. >> yeah, anybody can read it, i think. >> stephen: you have something -- a condition where you have one blue eye and one green. >> yes. >> stephen: brilliantly blue >> yes. >> stephen: when you were a little girl, did you like it or did you want to be like everybody else? >> i didn't like it at all. sometimes it's very annoying. i get asked is it fake. >> stephen: that's what i just asked you. >> yeah, everyone notices it. i wish they would pay attention
than that just one thing. >> stephen: well, there are other things i could pay attention to... (laughter) (cheers and applause) but valentines is on sunday. (laughter) is there a secret to a great selfie? >> i think there is. do you want me to show you? >> stephen: yeah, yeah, please. >> i'll show you right now. >> stephen: all right. i got one right here. >> you've got one, too. >> stephen: yes. break it out. >> stephen: you will do one, too. >> at the same time. >> stephen: they're selfies, they're not -- can i get you some duct tape? (cheers and applause) or a -- or a pancho? (laughter) are you cold? no, just want to make sure. i would be cold if i was wearing
so here we go. show me how you do your thing. let me get in there, right? >> where's your an. at's my your angle? this is the side. >> are you sure? (applause) >> are you ready? >> stephen: sure, sure. that's beautiful. >> stephen: going on your instagram account? >> i don't know. >> stephen: slap it up there
do it. >> is that a threat? >> stephen: no, it's not a threat. >> i'll print it out. >> stephen: no, don't have to. don't do me any favors. (laughter) well, congratulations. >> you, too. >> stephen: the new "playboy" comes out tomorrow. sarah mcdaniel, everyone. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) can't get unlimited data for your family? other carriers either don't offer it, or it's to not t-mobile! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! hurry. only at t-mobile. what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car.
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i always wanted to be a professional athlete. (music) (crunch) cause i wanted to have children in cities all over the world. (music) (explosion) (music) deadpool: incoming! (motor revving) (music) (crunch) (explosion) (crunch) wait, did i leave the stove on? there are those who say we cannot defeat a corrupt political system and fix a rigged economy. but i believe we need to lift our vision above the obstacles in place and look to the american horizon. to a nation where every child can not only dream of going to college, but attend one. where quality healthcare will be a birthright of every citizen. where a good job is not a wish, but a reality. where women receive equal pay and a living wage is paid to all.
there is time for rest and grandchildren. a nation that defends our people and our values, but no longer carries so much of that
burden alone. i know we can create that america if we listen to our conscience and our hearts and not to the pundits and the naysayers. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message, and i ask for you to caucus for me. thank you. >> stephen: here per -- here performing "candy sam," please we can welcome ty candy sam i want some
we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in monday when my guests will be craig ferguson, senator cory booker, and world darts champion, scott waites. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from wilson creek, north